..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
