we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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