neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
