Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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