I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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