dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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