I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
please come you make the beer taste better
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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