YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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