Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
