It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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