Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
