Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
