I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
