I wish my penis had an off switch
It's Friday. Sex?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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