Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
