I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
