The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I looked at my own cervix.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
