Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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