You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need to align my fucking chakras
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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