Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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