It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
