I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
