Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
