I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
