there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize