I hate all girls vehemently.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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