He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
