god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
