Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
