I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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