I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
