Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
