wrigley field is MILF paradise
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
