i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
