Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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