Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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