my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
whose parrot is this?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
