just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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