its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
