Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
