Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
