I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
