if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
