I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
