i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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