im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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