one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
