Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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