I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
