I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
