I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
