she woke up with a sticky ear
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
