What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
