I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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