Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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