Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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