Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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