OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
